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listening to: "Ween: Mullosk"

Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Thursday, Oct. 07, 2004 - 1:15 a.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

Conversations that Drive me Insane

"You bought a bigger milk this time"
"yeah, they only had large bottles, but it's ok cuz the bio milk lasts longer than the regular milk. Don't know why."
"bio milk"
"organic milk, "bio" in french"
"what's that mean? They feed the cows grass instead of grass?"
"It means (reads from the bottle) 'The cattle were fed only grain free from chemical fertilizers, pesticides and herbicides'... like the box of organic veggies I get...
"mmhhmmm" (pursed lips and "Garfield is so bored look")
"they don't use any pesticides or herbicides...]
"and they can't have put any on the land for seven years..."
"before they can get certified..."
"There are.."
"what's up? What's with the annoyed mmmhmmms like you're all fed up with what I'm saying?"
"I know all that already"
"Well, how am I supposed to know what you know? You asked about the bio milk..."
"Well, what am I supposed to say?"
"well, you can stop saying "mmmhhhmmm" in a tone of voice like I am being totally redundant"
"oh maybe I shouldn't say anything at all"
"well, you could maybe just say 'yes, i heard about that' and continue the conversation instead of sounding like I'm going on when i'm not and annoying you"
"oh, excuse me, maybe I should get out a piece of paper and write down what you want me to say so I can say the right thing"
"Dad!! it is just really hard to have a conversation when you are going 'mmmmhhhmmm'' in that tone of voice... "
"you're raising your voice again"
"well, it is really frustrating when..."
"well, you get frustrated at absolutely anything..."
"that's not true, you kept interrupting me with a bored annoyed "mmhummm" as if I was being redundant"
"yup, it seems every little thing annoys you"

End of Act One.

Reading instruction sheet with new propane torch, which she has never owned since she doesn't know how to use it and is afraid of burning down the house: "Keep torch out of reach of children. Disconnect cylinder when in use. Wear goggles having an Ansi Zblahblah No.4 lense. Never use to remove lead-based paint indoors. Always shield your work.
Funny how they can be so specific about the sort of goggle lense but they don't tell you how to shield your work"
"Those instructions are written for idiots anyways. Of course you have to shield your work. Some dimbos don't and burn down the house. Countless stupid plumbers burn down houses not shielding their work."
"Yeah, that's why I've never owned one of these. What does shielding your work mean?"
"Protecting the area with something inflammable. I'd use asbestos or tin".
"Asbestos or tin? Isn't there something else? I don't have asbestos or tin."
"When I work on your outside pipe i'll put it on the lawn so I won't need to shield it. Doesn't matter what you have"
"But what if I'm working on something I can't put on the lawn, like under the sink?"
"It's all common sense anyways, no one needs those instructions".
"well, I don't know how to do it"
"It's obvious, did someone have to teach you how to use an iron???!!!"
"well, actually, mom DID teach me how to use an iron, started with cotton teatowels when I was like seven and slowly worked up to harder stuff"
"I guess that's a stupid analogy"
"No, it's a great analogy, cuz it shows how something you think didn't need instructions did"
"So I said the wrong thing"
"No, it was a good thing, but what do they mean by "Always shield your work?"... at the Home D*epot they had some cloths I think that said "shielding"...
"Look those instructions aren't read by anyone anyways. They put them in the box but no one reads them.
"Yeah, but I don't know what it means, what do they mean by "shield your work"?"
"Look, I have no idea what they meant by "shield your work"."
"Yes you do, you know what they mean."
"Look, I can give you MY interpretation of what it means, but I have no idea what they meant"
"But you KNOW what they mean."
"LOOK, I have No Idea What They Meant, I WAS NOT THERE when they wrote it."
"No, I know you weren't there, but you know what they meant by "shielding your work" just like when I read a recipe I know what they mean by "fold in the ingredients". I don't know what "shield your work" means if I want to do it myself"
"Look, those instructinos are written for someone with a 68 IQ. You've got like a 140 IQ. It's just common sense"
"I don't think it's common sense, I don't know what to do to shield the work"
"Look who the hell knows what they meant, I TOLD YOU I don't KNOW, I didn't write the damn thing"
"Yes, you know what it means... just forget the instruction page and tell me what it means so I can do it when you're not here!!"
"Stop shouting! I'm not talking to you when you shout"
"I don't feel like I'm shouting"
"You're yelling at me, and you always have to be right. That's your problem, you'll tell me I'm wrong when I'm not wrong just so you can be right. How the hell do you know what I know? I'm telling you that I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY MEANT WHEN THEY WROTE THE DAMN PAPER , I WASN'T THERE AND I'M NOT THEM."
"Stop yelling at me and where the hell do you get off telling me straight to my face that I know something when I tell you I don't know. Who the hell are you to point blank deny what I'm saying to you??? You have one hell of a problem that you can't even listen to what I'm saying and have to tell me I'm wrong"
"Look , I might be raising my voice cuz I am very frustrated right now. I'm going to leave the room"
"That's right, you just leave the room. You're like a fuse waiting to explode. EVERYTHING frustrates you. You just have to be right ALL THE TIME. I took anger management cuz I used to be just like you...."
Wench leaves the room. Dad leaves the room...

End of Act Two

"What are we having for supper?"
"I put the quiche in to heat, it should be warm soon"
"what else do you want with it?"
"I thought we could have a salad. And I bought some artichokes"
"I don't eat artichokes"
"Have you ever had them?"
"I didn't think so. I thought you could try them, you dip them in garlic butter. You might like them"
"I don't think so"
"So you gonna make some salad?"
"You can make the salad"
"I'm doing the artichokes, I thought you could make a small salad just to go beside the quiche."
"You're probably better than me"
"Nonsense, you made amazing salad the other night. Didn't I say it was great? We still have the romaine lettuce, mushrooms, tomatoes"
"Ok, I'll make the salad. There's red pepper left too."
"That sounds wonderful"

Wenchie cleans off table and sets it, cleans the artichokes, melts the garlic butter. Dad makes salad in a bowl about 18" wide that wenchie uses to make bread dough for four loaves.
"That's a lot of salad Dad. I guess you can have the left-overs for lunch tomorrow"
"I don't eat soggy leftover salad. How do YOU know we won't eat it all tonight?"
"well, that's a lot of salad. That's as much as when we had only salad for dinner. Tonight we have a whole quiche and artichokes as well"
Dad adds blocks of cheddar cheese, raisins, an apple, a cucumber.
"Wench, are these sunflower seeds? Do you like sunflower seeds in the salad?"
Wench stalls answering cuz yes she likes sunflower seeds in her salad but thinks that this is enough salad pre-seeds for a complete meal for four people. and it will be left over and soggy and not eaten by Dad tomorrow.
"well, if you don't like sunflower seeds in the salad, I won't put any." (said in a resigned tone of voice)
Dad take salad dressing out of the fridge. Wench removes the artichokes from the stove and puts some other veggies in the fridge. While she is there she thinks she could chose salad dressing for her plate but doesn't know if Dad has picked out dressing for himself or the whole salad.

"Did you put salad dressing in the salad already?"
"NO, I didn't put salad dressing in the salad already. What's wrong with how I make salad? You ask me to make salad but it's not ok how I make salad apparently"
"I just wanted to know if you put salad dressing in already"
"What's wrong with putting the salad dressing in the salad?"
"I don't care if you put it in or not, I just wanted to know.."
"Look I don't need a huge explanation"
"yes but I just wanted to know if..."
"You just don't know when to stop"
"but I..."
"You just never give up do you? I don't care for a big long explanation"
"but I was just..."
"I am fed up with how you go on, i'm done with this now"
"Christ Almighty!!!"
"So, do you want me to put salad dressing in all of it or not?"
"well, you said you didn't like it soggy and there will be left overs, and they'll be less soggy if we just put the dressing on our plates"
"ok fine then. But who says there will be any left over."
"Dad, that is more than we finished together the last time, and there is quiche. I can't myself eat any more than a quarter of that or less"
"Well we'll see. Hmmmph."(expression of being fed up, and "of course you think you have to always be right)

Silence. Eating.
"Try the artichoke. If you like mine you can have one of your own, and I'll get you garlic butter for yourself. You dip it in the butter and pull it through your teeth like this."
"Hmm, doesn't taste like anything. I don't want one."
"Tastes like garlic butter. I like it"
"Looks like a lot of trouble for not much to eat. I don't like buying things where you throw out more than you eat."
"well it's a lot like pineapple, you have to cut off all the spikey bits to get to the good part"
"I don't buy pineapple. I don't even like buying bananas cuz you pay for the skin and throw it out"
"I guess part of it is the pleasure of eating it slowly. It is like finger food. Sort of like sunflower seeds"
"I don't eat sunflower seeds"
"Well, I like sunflower seeds. It is a good way to snack a long time and not eat alot. if people ate more things that took more effort they'd get less fat. But we take all the work out of it. Like you get more calories from peanut butter than from eating peanuts"
"I don't eat peanut butter"
"Well, some people eat peanut butter."
"I'm not some people. My sister used to eat peanut butter when we were young. She'd always get peanut butter in the butter. Then when I wanted butter it would taste like peanut butter. I hated that."
"yeah, I hate when people get their toast crumbs in the butter too. Anyways, some people eat all day, and sunflower seeds and artichokes and things that are more work are a lot less fattening than chips"
"I don't eat chips"
"Neither do i."
"And I don't eat all day"
"I didn't say you did. But some people snack while they watch tv and sit around"
"I don't sit around eating and watching tv"
"Dad, I didn't say you do, I'm talking about some people, many people... that we eat too many processed easy things that make us fat instead of stuff that takes work like these artichokes. Like they wouldn't eat six oranges, but they might put them in the juicer and drink six oranges... all that sugar"
"I don't juice the oranges"
"Dad, why do you have to say "I don't" about everything I'm saying? Why are you so defensive?"
"I'm not defensive!"
"THAT was defensive"
"Oh now i'm defensive."
"Well, I was talking about food and people in general and you keep saying "I don't"..."
"Ok right, now I'm not allowed to say anything".
"But dad, it wasn't about you"
"You're raising your voice again. Boy you sure get all riled up about nothing. My therapist told me I think too much. I think you think too much too."
"Dad can we just drop it?
"So now you're telling me to shut up"
"I didn't tell you to shut up, but you kept.."
"Where do you get off telling me to shut up?"
"Dad, you wanted me to stop talking earlier when you had enough, why is this different?"
"I'm not going to be told to shut up"
"So I am supposed to not go on when you are fed up but I can't ask the same of you?"
"You're yelling again"
SILENCE. Much eating of artichokes on one side and salad on the other.

End of Act Three.

Yes there was salad left over.

Thank god playing Rummy went better. Thank GOD he won the second set. Thank god I only think *I* am a horribly disfunctional person for about a half hour at a time now instead of perpetually. Thank god I restrain myself from calling him an asshole. Thank god we have fun and laughs other times. Thank god for a hug at the end of the day.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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