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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Wednesday, Sept. 06, 2006 - 11:32 p.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

Switches and Internet Guys

Well, it is funny how proud one can be of small victories.

The light in the hallway burnt out. I finally changed the bulb. It worked again. ALL the time. That's right.. switch the switch on and it shone brightly. Switch the switch off and it shone brightly. All night all day all night. So I spent a whole $1.39 or whatever and bought a new switch. And successfully replaced it, even installing a little copper ground since the wiring is so old here there doesn't seem to be such a thing. I love when in the book they talk about colors of wires, and plastic on wires etc. Here the wires are copper. And around them is some dusty horrid greybrownblack woven material. No colors. No three wires in a plastic sheath.

But now it works. I didn't zap myself. It is all grounded and neat and tidy. I even vacuumed out the electrical box so it no longer looks like a mouse decomposed in it. haha.

Yesterday and today were more exhausting days.

It is overwhelming dealing with all these foundation experts. It just sucks up all my time. I was going to go out to do my comics page, when I got a call confirming my 10am appt with one of them... oops, I forgot. So he came at 10am, left in time for me to have lunch and walk the dog. Got about an hour's work done, made some business calls, and then the 3pm guy came to do an evaluation.

Then today, I get a call that the guy from Monday has done my submission and wants to come over and present it. Then the engineering company calls me back to confirm and get some details. Then the Saturday company calls to discuss details and changes.

And my day is just sucked up again.
Yesterday I had a class at 5:30 pm, so had to walk the dog at 4pm, eat, get changed and run.
Today I had a publisher's book launch at 5-7 pm (actually I didn't get there til 5:30, and left at 8pm).

Anyways... the internet date. Well, at least he looked exactly like his photos. Except we don't see his body so much in the photos... he is quite cute, balding, salt and pepper hair, very smiley (you can tell it isn't just last night cuz he has those lines on the sides of his cheeks that only appear when he smiles, and they are actual indented wrinkles like some people have frown lines). He is kind of shortish, which is good. But he is also a bit dumpy. Not quite chubby, but almost. Solid I suppose.

Now we had a nice time.. we had coffee and pizza from 8pm til 1am (eeek, I couldn't believe when I looked at my watch!) and talked a lot.... mostly about our past relationships, and his work history. Turns out he divorced his wife of 25 years (yikes), 2 teens, when he found out she'd been carrying on a long affair (he discovered the pile of printed out emails she kept... ah yes. see, ob, I am not the only one who discovers such things). He took them, photocopied the whole pile, replaced the originals, and read them all at a later date. And didn't tell her for a while. Anyways, apparently he left her when she denied it had meant anything, but he says the emails were proof to the contrary, so he didn't trust her to tell the truth anymore. Oh well. But at least they didn't break up over fighting or something. She had the affair while he was out of province working for months on end... he moved around a lot for work.

Anyways, he used to be a firefighter for the army but hurt his back. Now he works in sales for some label company. Hmmm. And he lives in the outskirts of town.

Now a few things. He is sort of touchyfeely, touching me on the back, on the lower back, on my arm, helping me on with my coat, wanted to hold hands in the street afterwards (I didn't want to...heck I just met a complete stranger I only discovered on the internet three days ago!), and wanted to kiss. Well by the second time he tried I did kiss a bit... it was ok. But I don't know.

I am in the market for a longterm relationship. It seems so weird to not have any context... we aren't friends of friends, I haven't watched him at work, or out socialising or anything. Normally you see someone from a social distance before approaching them romantically in any capacity. It is weird. He is sort of attractive, but do I find him sexually attractive? Will that come? I don't know. I did drop over at artsyguy's place today for something, and HE is sexually attractive to me. Even if I don't get any sex hardly even as his girlfriend, and even if he is self-centered and a pain, he is sexy mmm. Sexy but bad relationship material. I am so good at that.

And this guy? Like he said, when I was recounting how so many people I go for are unavailable in some manner... they like me as a friend but are attracted to their highschool sweetheart, they are depressed, they are gay, they want a Ma'am not a girlfriend, they live in another country.... and he said "If I wasn't available I wouldn't be here". True.

But it is so weird. I feel pressure to decide in like one date do I like him, do I not. Do I want to commit to heading for a longterm relationship or not? Ack. Ack. Ack.

And am I insane???? Why am I looking to date a straight guy?? Am I completely out of my cultural field?? I saw a bunch of photos today of this summer's musicfest on someone's website and felt so homesick for it. All those people I knew since 1991. That is quite a while. I first went there, looking for a girl i had a thing for, in 1985, if you can believe it. It was weird to see how those people I think of as young and sprightly are aging, greying, sagging, filling out, changing skin texture. So funny.

I don't know anymore. In some part of my head I am still 28 or so... and can imagine dating and having sex with people I see on the street who are that age. But another part of me sees them and thinks "omigod, was I so young at one point? they are so YOUNG!" and could never imagine dating them.

And then I see people my age (like this internet date guy) and think... egads, maybe I could meet someone ten years younger... 34, 35 isn't too young is it?? I don't want to go out with someone who will be an old man in ten years!! ack!! Why is it I feel a 43 yr old woman is way younger than a 44 yr old man? Why do I think of a 60 yr old man as an old man? Well, it is not far from my father's age. yikes.

Anyways, the guy sent me his home and work and cell contact info today. Two emails, two telephone #s, a home address. Sent me an email calling me beautiful, saying he worried I didn't tell him I was home ok (I refused a lift home, prefering to bike in the night). With smilies of a food fight, and some little gif thing with my name in it. It is sweet.

I am comfortable with him. He doesn't seem put off by the bisexuality, nor the fetish bar stuff, though we haven't talked about it much. He quickly caught on to say "a he or a she?" when I mentioned a relationship. He is a calm person.. a taurus... like I said to him, usually one has to be calm to be a firefighter. One cannot panic and overreact. Also I asked him if he was afraid of heights (I wanted my friend hotsauce to help me out shingling my roof, but he is afraid of heights... also why I do not do rockclimbing with him), and he pointed out firefighters cannot be afraid of heights.

So that is good. Seems to like all sorts of music. Was amused by my ranting about The DaVinci Code (I warned him not to bring up that book or movie... he didn't like it either). Has already decided to use a "hands in a Tshape" time-out sign if he thinks I am going on and wants me to stop. That's good. He noticed I do go off on segues on topics but DO loop around and come back to the topic at hand. hah.

Anyways, cute, comfortable. Perhaps a bit too in my space already. Seems to want to move me into his suburban home. Frightening. I rather like my place, foundation shit and all.

Where are the funky queer girls who want to settle down. The boyish ones, but not all freaked out and gender rigid?? I dunno. do I take a chance on a nice straight man??



ps. ob's birthday. Wish her happy birthday.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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