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Music today: 8 Mile soundtrack

Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Thursday, Nov. 27, 2003 - 3:25 a.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

George and sappiness

I don't know how anyone can spend so much in a workspace and work so damn little. I dunno. Where does the time go. I should either work when I sit here, or go someplace else more interesting, or at least AWAY from here.

Here is the page that I put to advertise my art this year in the Repertoire des Illustrateurs. It was never published before since I had huge contract problems with the publisher. One of their problems is that they wanted the little Indian girl (as per India) to have lighter skin. Another of their problems is that they were "gravely concerned" that the Indian girl and the black woman had similar skin tones. Like that was some anomalie of nature. Dumb dumb. I can see now that the book is in their new catalogue with a new illustrator. It looks like the new illustrator had more fun drawing it than I did. I don't like drawing kids jumping around. I like drawing emotions. yup. Click on the thumbnail to see the whole picture. yup.

Besides that, here are the two pages of comics I did for David Kelly's Boy Trouble zine... Click on the little thumbnails to read it. It is called George, and is about me going to the fagleatherbar... I realized that 2 pages was not enough to do the doorman slapping glove story, but this is like a lead in to that... this is how things go when I don't have fluffy blond hair on. yup. Hope you like the comic.

Well, I'm doing ok. I actually did the dishes (including the 2 pots with burnt on pumpkin. I cannot believe I chopped all that pumpkin and then burnt it... bad, must reread my cooking tips) finally, and also made real food finally, instead of frozen veggies on pasta... I made a nice thai green curry coconut milk thingie with mango, red pepper, baby spiinach, tomato. Somehow I forgot that I usually poach fish in the sauce before adding the veggies, so there was no protein. Well, it was on brown rice. That is good.

And I went to my therapist today. Funny, I told her about how supposedly when someone betrays you it is so you can learn to be careful who you trust, and that I thought you learn that when you are 4 and someone steals your cake, you don't need your lovers and best friends to fuck you around when you are an adult. No, theoretically it already took them a long time to earn your trust. And when they betray you it causes you to become wary and jaded and closed emotionally, and miss all kinds of good people in your life cuz you go "hey, I heard that one before... fuckoff". And how it says that without the bad things that life" would be a smoothly paved straight flat road to nowhere. It would be safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless." I think that is bullshit.

How about if life is a drive on a beautiful winding bumpy road with rolling hills and a few flat tires. When you have a great day with a good friend, you are happy and learning things, and open to the world around you... you don't need a huge accident to kill your friend at the end of the day so life is not boring or meaningless. Nope. Though some people do live their lives as though they are drunk drivers on the wrong side of the road, culminating in a headon collision. I'd take the boring flat road to nowhere, thanks. At least you can chat with your passenger on the way and enjoy the view, instead of having to live the rest of your life knowing you killed them and maimed yourself. And personally I don't need to kill people and maim myself in order to appreciate good driving or interesting roads.

Usually when you are grieving and betrayed or whatever you DON'T appreciate the world around you. Good food fails to tempt you, little children and good books and flowers and all kinds of nice good things in the world are just not available to you cuz you are shut down and in shock. Yup. How many people have missed months of their kid's development cuz they were too depressed about their marriage breaking up to actually be THERE for their kids. What a bunch of inane bullshit.

And imagine when for instance a woman finds out her beloved husband has been raping their four year old daughter. For whom is that a learning situation that betters them?? The child will probably never like sex or trust a man again, or at least have great difficulty. She no longer has a father. The woman has been betrayed and will feel guilt forever for having chosen a man who would do such a thing. How is that a "learning" experience that couldnt have been done without?

and my therapist said that the day after her son died unexpectedly, one of her friends said to her "Oh, it is probably for the best... you will probably learn something wonderful from this". She was so angry she threw the friend out.

I said she shouldve said to the friend, "Yes, probably it is a wonderful thing. And since I wish for you this great experience, this great chance for things to be better in your life, I will pray that one of your children is killed too in the near future. Because I want the best for you".

People say the most stupid things when they are confronted by grief and loss sometimes. Inane things about how it is a "good" thing. Agh. That is just trivializing. I suppose all of us would be "better people" if we lost more close friends and family members, were betrayed more often, were physically maimed etc. I am sure that in the Middle East right now they are extra specially blessed by God since they have this great potential now for personal growth.

Agh. People learn best when they feel confident and secure enough to take risks. They enjoy life and the world around it when they are not in grief and shock. And making the best of a bad situation is not the same as the bad situation being a good opportunity. yup.

So, don't say stupid things like "I'm sure it will be for the best, it is a learning experience, things that don't kill us make us stronger (tell that to all the psychotic people and crippled people in the world, and the ones who commit suicide) blah blah" when someone has a tragedy or somesuch. Try saying "i'm really sorry", or even "I'm sorry to see you sad" yup. something like that. Life hurts. Give a hug, or not, today. yup.

Here is my horoscope for Wednesday, November 26:

Leo's biggest mistake would be assuming that everyone cares. Wait for people to show interest before you plow ahead. As the pace slows down, anticipation works better than surprise.

And just cuz it is Thanksgiving for those USAians of you who are reading this, I offer Kaetchen's most excellent alternative thanksgiving/ holiday season entry Yup, good good stuff. yup.

byebye now hugs to me, wenchie sweetie. needs hugs yup.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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