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Music: Annie Lennox: Medusa

Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Saturday, Dec. 13, 2003 - 2:54 a.m.

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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

The Goodbye Girl

why am i so stupid

why do i still listen to these songs... Annie Lennox singing "I don't want to wait in vain for your love..." etc etc, and think of ob??

she didn't really want me. she said "I don't think I can have a girlfriend now" she said "all I ever wanted was H------" she said "This is painful to say, but I chose (not you)".

she said she loved me. she said she wanted me. she was all mixed up and confused. but actions talk. she regretted that I didnt stay there and wait and wait and wait and come to her for the minutes in between, that I didnt stay her fun friend, though she was willing to dump me and betray me, stand me up and lie to me. she didnt negotiate with me. she didnt talk to me about what she was doing besides me.

no, she jumped jumped jumped at the chance as soon as someone else wanted her. And when there was a conflict of interest with what she promised me, told me she wanted, begged me to give her, i went "regretfully" out the window at the earliest convenience.

why do i regret losing her? why do i still think of her so much. am i just totally fucked up? i was the child who wouldn't give up her blankie... my mom had to tear it in half and throw away the smaller part, again and again. (poor blankie!!)

sometimes i am ok and dont miss her. but it doesnt last. everytime someone talks about what they are going to do to someone on the Midori list, I think of ob. When i think of going to Midori's workshops in Toronto and here, i think of ob. when i think of putting up strings of lights i cry. when i think of finishing my moroccan livingroom i am sad. when i think of going to San Fran i think of ob. When I think of my mom's book she gave me for my birthday, i think of ob. Do you know I dedicated my bear book to her? I am a sap. A stupid sap.

Damn. i started crying again and woke my dog up. damn.

my mom cried all the way home from seeing the Goodbye Girl when we went to the movies. We all knew it was because in the movie, when the woman thought that the guy had gone away, he called from the payphone and said he was coming back.

Now I am the Goodbye Girl.

I am a good person. I am a strong person. I have been through a lot. I am independent and reliable and loyal and trustworthy and responsible. I just want to laugh with someone and have them cuddle me day to day.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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