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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Wednesday, Sept. 14, 2005 - 2:26 p.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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Very Productive In the Hole

I'm getting stressed out again.

I have no idea how I can get out of my financial hole. When I get a job I look forward to finishing it to pay off some debt, but then while I'm doing the work, before I get paid, a million things come up that suck up the $$.

My computer totally needs upgrading. It will cost about $1200 on Friday, and that is exactly what I get paid on Monday for the job I've been working on for the past three weeks. So that means earning no money for food, housing, clothes, classes (yes it's fall... if I want to do ANY activities, now is the time), my gym pass is running out in two weeks, I still have to pay the deductable of $500 for the water damage repairs, and I was really wishing to visit my Mom for Christmas this year.

It is just exhausting. In August I was trying to be careful with $ other than going to Musicfest, and I went from $1000 into my credit margin to $7800 into my credit margin.

How? My page of advertising for my business (wrote check in may), income tax payment (check written in April) finally was cashed by the govt ($2800), disability insurance, house insurance, business insurance, payment on loan to pay back RAP (taxfree "borrowing" of my registered retirement savings for my house downpayment in 2001), renewal of my business website. We didn't even get to dog and cat food and meds, food, coffee etc yet. Nothing paid out cash. Just payments that invisibly came out of my account. Crikey.

And the musicfest ticket and the car, together about $1000 came out of my visa, which isn't paid yet. $100 to help a friend who needed tooth surgery, $100 to Katrina... the $ is just slooshing out like the bathtub with a pulled drain. You don't see or hear the water going into the drain really, but the level is going down fast.

It just stresses me out. I need to fix the back balcony. I need to buy treads for the stairs for the tenants upstairs. I want to repaint the bathroom and the kid's room before I fosteradopt.

And I am working fulltime fulltime fulltime. Three novels currently, and the South Korea contract. It is the South Korea thing that has just sucked up all my time. Supposedly paid in June, i would have been $7000 US more in hand than I am now... since the last two books haven't been billed or paid yet. Leaving me with $ in the bank AND time. Time to do more work that pays, instead of using 5 more months to earn the same $. Time to do things like repair the back porch, take away the cobwebs that form everywhere. To deal with the garden produce. To deal with the cracks forming in the walls and ceiling everywhere. etc etc etc.

I have no idea how I'd have a kid. Now I scarcely have time to love on the cats, and believe me, they aren't much of a hassle. I can't treat the kid like the dog... walk her 2 hours a day and other than that, just let her in and out of the house. Ignore her the rest of the time as she lounges in the yard or on the kitchen floor. Nope.

I need time and more $, or rather less debt that I need to work to pay off, to have this kid.

Gotta get to work now because my foster adopt class is tonight at 7pm. It's already 2:30.

Sometimes I just want to sit down and cry. Why didn't I get pregnant? Ten years ago I had $10,000 in the bank to take time off to have a kid. I had a small apartment, and little overhead, sure I didn't have a computer or disability insurance, but I had time and love and I could live off of peanuts. When you have your own kid, no one says "you don't earn $30,000 a year, you can't have it". If I had the life I had ten years ago, they wouldn't let me adopt. The child has to have its own bed in a room with two exits etc etc, and I had no space. Ironic to get the space and then not be able to afford to have the kid. Kind of like buying a house with a parkinglot and then not being able to afford a car. Ironic.

Well, forward and onward.
I could just use a hug sometimes. Or a helping hand. Or contracts that actually stuck to what was signed and agreed upon.

But I'd settle for the hug.
oh well,
me, very productive in the hole

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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