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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Friday, May. 21, 2004 - 10:40 p.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

The Anxiety Syndrome (somewhat like the China Syndrome but Smaller)

Why do i feel like my life is so pointless?

Why do I have always this feeling that I am not doing the right thing. That I should be doing something else, this sort of guilt feeling like I am not living up. That I am not doing what I should be, or something important.

Why should I feel like I need to justify my living life? I don't know. I feel like a spoiled person. Wasting time and ressources. I guess I've felt this way pretty much all the time since I am maybe 6 jeesh.

Though sometimes when I am working for something or someone else that feeling goes away. Maybe I just need someone to tell me WHAT to do, so then when I am done doing it I feel like I can relax. If not, and I tell myself what to do, I always worry it is not enough, not the right thing, that I am not ok, not educated enough, not knowing enough, not helping enough. I don't know.

Every day I walk by the newest house built on the street... it has a basement apartment that is like a studio apartment (kitchen and livingdiningroom all in one open space) with a bedroom. And there is a family living there for maybe four months now (hehe, they didn't move in on National Moving Day! on the other hand the people who were already there didn't hang in til July 1 either. The building looks modern but is shittily built. I know. I watched the construction)

Anyways, a family lives there. They have two adults and at least one child. I see their dinner set out on the table, or the couch in the livingroom turned into a bed for the child. The child has all its toys in one corner of the livingroom. And they just have about 15 feet by 6 feet of asphalt outside their back door. They have rideem toys (the kid is maybe 3), and some planters, wind chimes and a couple hanging plants, a lawn chair or two.

And I feel guilty as all shit. I have a six room apartment (the small double room that was supposed to be for a kid, and now has plants in one half and the other is my Morroccan livingroom I never use, the large double room which is my studio full of drawings and books, the bedroom, the kitchen... that is 6) plus a halfbasement for my shit, and a front yard larger than their asphalt (the front of their building is right on the sidewalk, no front yard at all) and a large backyard, like 25feet by 15 feet or so. For one person, a dog and two cats.

I feel like I should be living in their place and them in mine. Of course that's impossible. I have too much shit. They don't have a home office. I have three pets, they have none. And I'm responsible for this whole bloody fiveplex. But it is a crazy thing. Me, infertile and childness not in a couple, Them, a couple with a kid and no space.

And I don't know. I guess I feel like I should be saving the whole fucking world. Now where the hell did that come from?? For other people I think it is ok that they are working in a grocery store and go home at night to watch dvds. Why am I not ok with me doing drawings for children's books and producing a page of comics a day?? Why?

I guess in school I was always an academic, even when I was in fine arts I got good marks in math and philosophy. I guess I find doing drawings of little kids from my imagination not to be "educated" or "researched" enough. Hell. I dunno. I've got friends who have doctorates in German, who translate esoteric writings from hundreds of years ago. Why do I think that they are any more contributing to the world at large than I am?? Maybe because they also run a whole language department and teach students. I guess I feel like I am not reaching out enough. Yet, what do I have to impart??

I think I am not so good at doing "community work" though perhaps it is my ideal. I am not good at going to meetings and being on regular morning timeschedules and following the group and consensus. I get into arguments, and disagree with things I think are stupid. I dont like to follow orders I think are wrong.

Maybe I should try to start teaching art. Maybe I should volunteer in daycare centers. Maybe I should go back to school. I don't know.

Do any of you (well, maybe Sasori gal and Loopyboy and Pittbullshark) feel like you are doing a job that contributes to the world? that is important and you feel fulfilled and important in the large scheme of things, even just as an important but small cog?

Why do I feel both pointless and guilty, living in decadence and yet when I think of all the people with two car garages and several tvs, leather sofas and cellphones, large detached houses in the suburbs and SUVs and ski trips I guess I am living frugally by North American Standards.

But living high off the hog, when looked at in the world context.

I don't know. I wish this feeling would go away.

I want someone to cuddle.

Maybe I'm just a dependentless co-dependent, so no one to focus my energy on. I don't feel so stressed when I have someone to make dinner for, or to watch a movie with. Weird that.

Or maybe I am just imagining that. I remember being self-anxious and questionning when I was with people, so I guess I'm just imagining the respite. hehe. I am becoming illusioned (is that the opposite of disillusioned??)

Time to finish this entry.

For some lovely iris photos and a few interesting links, read my other entry tonight. thanks.

12:20am Oh, like THIS is a pickmeup! I got this fear quizilla off Boxx9000's page. Youpee.

Disloyalty - You're Kati's more paranoid side. You
fear Disloyalty from those around you, probably
because of incidences in the past. You feel
like you can no longer trust others because
they will always hurt you. So you try to
distance yourself from others, especially in
relationships, and resolve that you are the
only person you can really trust.You're
probably a highly loving person, and often feel
lonely because of your fears. You've probably
over;y romanticized relationships in the past
only to have your hopes dashed.Often times you
feel like people are doing things behind your
back, and you sometimes go so far as to use
everything you know to find out if they are or
not. You can be vengeful, and probably hold
grudges even if you don't seem like you do. In
a relationship you're protective and jealous,
most likely possessive. You feel that given the
chance,even the ones you love most will turn
spiteful and try to ruin you. You probably
suffer from Paranoia.

Which of Kati's Fears are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Of course, any quiz that asks me which of 4 songs I'd play over and over again where I have to google all the songs, and can only find 3/4 I can listen to for 20 seconds each online to decide, is bound to be somewhat suspect in its results. Egads with these quizilla's pop culture demands!

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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