Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing
Monday, Jun. 26, 2006 - 12:58 p.m.
WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.
Asskicking and Coupledom
ok ok, yah the guy is having a depressive fit, but don't we all at times? OK not all of us, just lots of us.
So, before someone else tells me to kick his sorry ass, we actually had a great weekend in the country with friends of mine with his kid, my doggies etc... roast lamb (yuck), thirty people or more, beer, salad, marshmallows, volleyball, sitdown feast, playing music by the campfire, fireworks, dancing,
And then went to his friend's place, had lots of fun, got drunker than I have since 1992 laughed and sang and said silly things and swam (not drunk) in a lake, looked at stars and had a great ride back through the backroads yesterday.
Anyways, yes he knows he is not ok. Yes he knows he is taking it out on people he cares about by pushing them away. Yes he loves me. Yes we are actually going out again. Yes he told his kid I am his girlfriend.
Anyways, à suivre as they say in French.
And the night I wrote the previous post, he wasn't "using me" nor mean or anything. He volunteered to come over with his kid to help make the salad for the potluck with my friends the next day. He sat in my backyard and showed me how to play guitar and sang with me for two hours. But then he said he wanted to go sleep alone at his place and I felt dumped again.
I went over later and talked with him, pouring my feelings all over the place and he was very nice but just saying he is all fucked up right now and feeling overwhelmed by life and easily stifled, needs to quit his job or do something completely different etc, that he knows that he was being emotionally closed now, and that we had already been much more fusional. That he is sorry he has a low libido now, that he feels so stressed out (his dermatologist is pointing out that his skin problems are stress related too) But when he said things like that (and like saying "we did have a good sex life" in past tense) I just felt that I had someone who obviously cares about me was once again chosing to block me out and throw me away.
He was really sweet and holding my hands and asked me to sleep over and cuddle since I was down. It was me who left in the middle of the night and came home and wrote that post. He actually invited me to breakfast in the morning and was hugging me and being concerned I didn't get much sleep cuz I was crying etc.
So no, I don't feel he is using me. Maybe accepting what I offer and then I feel like why am I giving so much to someone who is at this point so incapable of returning what I want. But that is me eh, not him. HE is not soliciting me to do things for him. I am offering. And really, It isn't like he doesn't offer anything in return. He makes me a meal when I drop by, pays me breakfast in the restaurant, comes by to teach me guitar and chop onions for the potluck salad, plastered the corner in my bathroom wall.
But I guess i compare it to what we had at the start, with happiness and eagerness and him being touchyfeely all the time holding my hand and reaching out to me, and my ideals of what I would like from someone, and feel shortchanged. By someone who has been amply clear since the start that he is feeling already stretched to the limits, that he is depressed and overwhelmed and often shut down. And I think sometimes he wants to push me away because he feels he makes me sad, or that when he is impatient and distant with me that it hurts me, and then he feels like a super jerk. (and don't worry, I tell him, which could I suppose be considered kicking his ass).
I think anyone who has been stressed out and depressed knows the cycle. We can often maintain a cheery face with those at work, or strangers, and then let ourselves be our shorttempered shortsighted overwhelmed selves when we let our guard down at home or with close friends. And then our behaviour leaves to be desired, and we hate not only the world, but how we are ourselves to the people we care about.
Anyways, he really needs to find a way out of his trapped feeling at work that he hates, and a way to get a bit more joy and freedom in his life, cuz at heart he is an artsy fartsy, not a suit, which he has been trying to be for the past five years for his kids. We'll see what happens.
But as far as being a user who doesn't want to commit, I think that is pretty far off. And yes, now he is my boyfriend again, from his own lips with witnesses. (his kid is very happy about that).
Now I'm going to get my day done, but I am in pretty good spirits, and y'all can be sweet to me, but not write anymore to beat up on him, ok?? He does that waaaayyyy too much himself.
cheers
wenchie
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previous meanderings - future past
Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009
