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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Tuesday, Oct. 28, 2008 - 1:35 p.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

new thing isn't ready yet

last night around 12:30 midnight (yeah that's the time we are often on email/the phone), I got a call from the new thing... I was happy and surprised. And then she "wanted to talk"...not what I necessarily want to do when once again I have laryngitis, but hey, the new thing was calling me. How fun was that! I told her she'd have to do most of the talking.

Well. She thinks we are going too fast. She feels like we are in a relationship already and we haven't even met in person and that is weird. She has no plans to move here, and I have no plans to leave here, and I have a kid, and that must be taken into consideration, that adults shouldn't come in and out of kids' lives, and she really was mostly thinking we could maybe be friends and maybe have a little sex fling once or twice when she contacted me online. And maybe we could date, or not, or at least be fast friends.

At this point it was hard to tell if my throat hurt from the laryngitis or what I was hearing.

Yes, yet again. And she was the one who had upped the ante from "what is your favorite chocolate bar, do you subscribe to any magazines?" my questions to "how do you feel about sharing expenses with someone you are in a relationship with? Would you ever legally get married?, are you more of a top or bottom in bed?"

yeah. And said "sounds like you are checking out long term relationship potential, which is good cuz it means we are on the same page". yeah.

And now she thinks we should slow down, and maybe dating, and she doesn't feel ready for a new relationship since it hasn't been long enough since her last disastrous one (a marriage) etc etc.

Yay. Just kill me now.

Look. If you want to be friends with me, don't ask how I feel about sharing living expenses, and if I've ever dated someone not of my religion etc. Just answer the chocolate bar questions and talk about where you went dancing last night and if there were cute girls there. Then I'll feel like your friend, not girlfriend potential.

Anyways, I dunno. I sort of ended with wanting to still keep emailing and to see how we feel when we actually meet in person (I mean heck if there is no chemistry, there is no chemistry, eh?). But today I just feel defensive, as in wanting to have body armour and not have anyone come near me, or tell me I am hot and cute and they respect and admire me and think I'm funny and super smart, or ask what sex toys I'd like to try.

Last night I think I said "don't go away" and now I feel like "just go away already".

I am so sick of having no one. It's been nearly three years since I thought something might work out with artsyguy, and five years since the breakup disaster with ob. I would like a hug. I would like someone to talk to at the end of the day. Someone who is up on my day to day life. Someone who loves me. I would love to actually let someone get close to me again.

But I am so sick of people all over me, ooooh you are the best, you are the one, I want to try something with you, blah blah blah, and then as soon as I get interested, it is "oooo, I am so sorry, it is not you it is me, i am afraid to hurt you, I'm not ready! ooo, so sorry".

Fuckers. Really. Fuckers. Go away until you ARE ready then. Don't woo me on internet sites. Don't write me cute emails. Don't flirt with me in the street and compliment me and ask me for dinner and tell me your life story. Don't say you are falling for me. Just don't.

Cuz as soon as I think I might trust someone again, it happens again. And then when someone else comes along (after you have been SOOO thoughtful as to release me so i can meet and date someone who really IS ready to commit), and says the same things, I am sceptical and selfprotective and drive them away, cuz I've heard it all before and don't believe them. Don't want to believe them.

Anyways, so much for my happy hopeful excited the future may hold great things mood. I guess we can get back to raising a two year old alone and working every spare moment.

sick laryngitis wenchie
with a lump in her throat and a hole in her stomach.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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