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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Friday, Apr. 01, 2005 - 11:33 p.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

We are Aphids.

I am attracted to sad people. People with sad eyes. People who smile and make jokes but who have a sad interior. Angry people. People who are hurt but who can dance and party anyways. Angry and sad and hurt people. Little girls who stopped smiling for a whole year. Little girls who were never hugged by their mother. Little girls who were seduced by their uncles and schoolteachers. Little boys who saw too much suffering. Who cannot bear hunting and trapping. Who know it is so sad that there is nothing left to say so they just smile instead of crying while they listen.

Indeed anyone with brains knows the world is unfair. Knows humans are shortsighted and stubbornly unwilling to change. Knows that humans are perhaps not any more capable of not being humans, than killer bees are capable of not being killer bees, or maggots are capable of becoming roses.

Today was day five of the Massey Lecture Series "A Short History of Progress". The lecturer this year was Ronald Wright, who is a novelist and an archeologist. Here is the book. Apparently he has also written a novel called "A Scientific Romance", He says the problem with utopian satires is that it is so depressing when we get things right. Apparently he had one character dying of mad cow disease when he wrote his first draft, and thought "I will have to change that to something more believable in the final draft" but by the time the final draft came out, mad cow disease was indeed killing off people left and right and ruining whole industries.

Those lectures were brilliant. They should be compulsory to everyone over the age of eleven, once a year. Before they start to ask each one individually what they will do to Reduce and Reuse, and not just pump the watertables of the world into individual portion plastic (petrol from the Alaska wildlife reserve) bottles, which they dutifully recycle, to be not reused, though they still work fine, but to be trucked away with great manpower a great distance with great petrol power to be sorted with great manpower, melted down with great petrol power, and reformed into new individual portion plastic bottles to be trucked to another watertable to be pumped full with precious water that takes 10,000 years to replace, using still more petrol power, and then wrapped in plastic wrap on cardboard boxes on choppeddowntree palettes, to be trucked to individual stores using still more petrol power (or maybe stripmined coal), so that we can drive using petrol power, to buy it and put it in another plastic bag (three layers of plastic for our 250ml of water) to bring it home using petrol power, to keep it cold using hydro dam killing thousands of acres of land power, so we can drink it while listening to the Massey lectures...

instead of keeping our skies clean enough that water falling directly upon us over our heads could be gathered with zero effort and drunk.

Humans are insane.
totally insane.

Tonight it was quotes from Margaret Atwood such as "as a species we are doomed by hope"... hope that we will win the lottery so we give our money every week with no returns to the state, hope that it will all come out ok if we wear the right brand of jeans and don't say something stupid in front of the boss's wife, hope that somehow everything we do doesn't add up to one big mess, hope that God will spirit the faithful off the world and the rest of us and our suffering doesn't matter anyways, only the suffering of one man two thousand years ago. Hope that if we rid the world of terrorism we won't all die of lack of potable water. Hope that if we build on all the best land next to the lakes and rivers and sea that there will still be good land to grow food on somewhere. Hope that if we buy organic food trucked in 3000 miles from California, it will help something. Hope that we don't actually have to revise what we do.

You know, I was a not-too-optimistic 11 yr old, I am not an optimistic 41 yr old.

Nearly 1500 scientific experts have weighed in and presented a report we are irremedially damaging all the ecosystems in the world. But we will make a federal case of one braindamaged woman on life support because we have a "Culture of Life". Goddamned liberals. They only want to save the planet, must be death worshippers. Whereas the other ones who want more $ to give people jobs in arms production are the ones concerned about the life standard of your average guy. People before trees eh.

The history of Easter Island is enough to make one want to gag when looking in the mirror.

Enough to wish that one could unleash mass plagues on humans and let the world go on. But we know it is like that game where we stomped red ants when we were kids. You could never stomp enough to get rid of even more than a fraction before they won. All the terrorists the world over couldnt kill enough people to save the remaining people I think.

Ah, but why would we listen to scientific experts when we believe in God (after all, didn't it save the Easter Islanders? not a tree in sight anymore, but all those monuments to the gods...) Why would we listen to an archeologist when we know that the earth is only 5000 or 6000 years old, and there weren't neanderthals, there was only adam and eve (and certainly not adam and steve). Why should we worry that dinosaurs and sabertoothed lions could die out, when we know that they never existed, only bones planted by God to amuse silly fantasizing archeologists 6000 years in the future, and give the National Geographic photographers something to click at??


I don't know why they don't just put videocams into at least one dying celebrity's deathbed room per week. First that Shiavo woman, and now last night, a moment by moment blow by blow report of the Pope. Stop praying for the pope. He is God on Earth. He is just like Jesus, returning to his maker in glory and perfection. Pray for us the nonbelievers and the sinners, the sufferers who are not God on Earth, nor His Child to be ressurected after 3 days in a tomb, but who will wash up on shore rotting and full of maggots after 3 days in the tsunami waters, or under the earthquake rubble.

I'm sorry. You see, I need to find someone to go out with me who doesn't mind listening to depressing ranting. I was like this at 11 and I am like this now. But I too can be sad and angry and hurt and still laugh and dance. In fact I can have a great fun time.

Be a Man, they said on the radioshow a few days ago, when the guy was going "i have anxiety"... Have a drink, be a man.

Doesn't work for me. When I am sad or hurt and angry and drink. It doesn't go away. The world is just fucked up and I'm drunk and blathering in it.


Anyways, you probably cannot tell from this entry, but i am fine, happy, had another good day, smiling on the street and a lilt in my step if steps can have lilts. Forward and onward to the income tax paperwork. And strangely enough I like that too.

Numbers on a calculator in neat rows are so much more hopeful than the state of the world, and the insect cancerous plague that we humans constitute upon it. (and no from our point of view I suppose we're just lovely... from the aphid's point of view aphids are adorable too, just from the plant's point of view they are killers, and from the gardener's point of view, problematic.

If God's a gardener. We are Aphids.

Note added later: Please note that I don't think everyone who believes in the Bible or the Christian God believes in fundamentalist resurrection end-days... however I was mostly refering to the powers that be right now who are running this machine. They are not the moderates, or you or me. They are people designing the New American Century and they literally DO believe that there was no evolution (though everything from breeding corn and chickens to antibiotic resistant superbugs attest that it does), that the world IS only about 6000 years old, and that there aren't many generations of humans left before God finishes it all and airlifts out the faithful, so that the Earth is here to plunder and wear out in this generation, much like finishing your picnic basket off and letting it rain on your sleeping bag cuz you know the camping trip is over in another three hours and you'll go home to the soft dry bed and a full fridge. Actually, more like pissing and shittingn in your picnic basket, emptying your boat gasoline tank into the stream and throwing tin cans and antifreeze all over the berry patch because you think you are going home to the soft bed and the maid service in three hours.

But those of you who DO believe in a Christian God, that's ok, you're allowed. Just as the Egyptians had their gods, the American indians had theirs, the Mayans had theirs, on and on and on throughout history. Every people has had gods, and weren't all smitten down immediately by the Christian God for being mistaken for thousands of years, nor enlightened through stone tablets and messiahs sent down from heaven to save their souls... God only knows why. I guess he just doesn't care about many except for the Middle East and eventually those who spread from the middle east up and down to Europe, eventually North American and Africa and Asia, only taking several thousand years when a human lived to be only around 30 years old. I dunno. Seems pretty callous and negligent for a caring merciful God who cares about all his creations' immortal souls. But every God has been THE god. pretty much.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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